Choose Your Thoughts, Change Your Algorithm
Digital marketing is wild to me. Linger on a social media post, search for new sunglasses, or like someone's insta and suddenly all your ads are related to what you spent time consuming. This is just like our brains. We see what we're looking for; intentionally or unintentionally.
Frequency Illusion
That's called a Frequency Illusion or the Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon. I'll stick with Frequency Illusion, since I know how to spell that one. This illusion is made up of two parts. The first is selective attention. When our brains register something new or meaningful (positive or not) it begins scanning the environment for more information related to that new thing, usually unconsciously. This is great if you had a positive meaningful experience with your spouse so now you see other couples who are also happy together. But what if you and your spouse were having a hard time?
The second piece is called confirmation bias. When you're in a happy healthy relationship and you notice that other people are too, that further confirms that your experience is meaningful and real - again, unconsciously. But say you're frustrated that your spouse hasn't done the dishes. Then you notice socks on the floor next to the laundry hamper. This may confirm to you that they don't care, or many other negative assumptions about your spouse. You see what you're looking for. The happy spouse may assume that their partner is having a hard time at work or simply forgot to do the dishes and may need some reminders. If it's a pattern, perhaps that job should belong to the other spouse and they can trade responsibilities; thereby doing what works for both of them.
How to Stop The Negative Thinking Loop
So what if you're stuck in a loop of negative thinking about a topic? Your teen is driving you mad. Your spouse is distant. Maybe you're in a depressive episode and wonder if you'll ever feel better. Maybe you're incredibly anxious about an upcoming event. How do you break free of this cycle?
You know where you are today. You know how bad it is. You could look for how to fix it, but that takes a lot of energy you don't have. Maybe you've already spent energy trying to fix it and you're just done. May I suggest something different?
Ask yourself - what do I want instead of what I have? What do I have now that actually does work for me; what do I want to keep about my life?
You may start thinking, ‘I want to feel better,’ or, ‘I want my spouse to do their job.’
Fair. But better how? What would you be like or be doing if you were better? What difference will it make for you when your spouse does their job?
You may say, “I would go on nature walks,” or, “I would spend more time cuddling with my spouse instead of fighting with them.”
Boom. Now you have something to look for. Something you actually want. You can intentionally change what you notice in the future by deciding to look for it today. Look for those moments when things feel even a little bit better. What's different about that moment? Do more of what's different. Look for times when your spouse did do their job, and you'll see more of it and hopefully cuddle more. Change the algorithm by intentionally looking for what you actually want.
Change Your Media Algorithm
Did you know, you can change your marketing algorithms intentionally as well; in the same sort of way? Let's say, you've been Google searching, “How to get my teenager to do his chores.” - or “How to stop being so depressed.” You've gotten lots of advice, but what happens? Maybe you're now being marketed products or social posts about how terrible it is to have a teenager living with you. Maybe you're now seeing more and more posts about other people who also have depression or anxiety. Is that really helpful? You're already the expert in your own life. You're simply confirming the bias you already have through a marketing algorithm designed to feed you things that steal your time.
What if you decided today to start Google searching things that you would when your teen is doing their chores, or when you're feeling better. You can feed your brain new, meaningful information and experiences that change your thinking and your algorithm.
Search for what you want instead; one a day for a week. See what changes about your thinking and what your algorithm feeds you.
Try searching for:
Peaceful homes
Responsible teenagers
Happy hobbies
Nature walks
Friends gathering
Successful marriages
I am a loving parent
Healthy, happy days
Then every day, select one tiny thing you want to try about what you saw to see if it makes a difference for you. Often times, the solution to the problem has nothing to do with the problem. It has to do with our thinking about the problem.
Choose your thoughts, change your algorithm 7 Day Challenge!
For a free download of search suggestions, and tips for how to change your marketing algorithm to something that better suits the real you, download the free7 Day Algorithm Challenge!
Your brain sees what it goes looking for, and so does your feed. This free 2 page PDF gives you a search menu, a few simple ways to retrain your algorithm toward the life you actually want, and a seven day tracker to notice what starts to shift. Choose your thoughts, change your algorithm.
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